Obsession for Nothingness

Ever since I can remember I always set goals and strive damn hard to see a check beside that goal I've set. It makes me feel fulfilled. I thought that was enough to make me feel complete. Fulfillment as I know now is entirely different from being happy.

When I graduated from college, I envisioned my self to have a car, a place of my own, a great career, a high-paying job from a multi-national and of course, be a wife with a fairy tale like love story. All of those I targeted a good 10years to be fulfilled. I also have side goals each year--things I wanted to learn, stuff I wanted to have not just for me but for my family, places I wanted to visit and people I wanted to meet. True enough, those goals when met made me feel I achieved something.

Sadly though, I became obsessed fulfilling those goals that I forgot to review and really think things through if my goals were aligned to God's will. I was too persistent...too determined to give it up. I would even mask it as a mere challenge that He'd like me to hurdle. I was even proud to say I am not a quitter. Now, looking back...I realized if it was too hard, maybe it was not meant to be. I also know now that it is always wise to follow the path of least resistance.

There are so many things now that I don't understand. Where am I heading? What lies ahead? What should I do? Who will I be with for the rest of my life? Loads of hanging questions but I find rest knowing that I do not own my life. I find fulfillment knowing that God is in everything. Out of the uncertainty of tomorrow, I am left with the best option to totally trust Him today. That alone is more than enough reason to be happy.

Before this awakening, I was obsessed with goals and on meeting them. Regardless of how many, how big or how noble those goals are, if it does not find origin in God, I know now that it accounts for nothing. It was foolish of me to be obsessed with nothing. What's ironic is, now that I truly do not have anything and nothing to be obsessed about, the void gives space for peace. Though dependent on Him for mostly everything, I feel alive and truly happy. Now I am not bogged down by any disappointments for I know He is just preparing me for something better.

In the Gospel today, where Jesus revealed heavenly things to children, I earnestly pray to be child-like. I hope that experience and life lessons strip me off all pretenses, arrogance, fears and worries so that God could see me as I am and in the same manner so that I could recognize God in His utmost purest form.

Today I pray that both you and I be humble and trusting to what our heavenly Father wants. May you feel confident of His love just like how our earthly fathers made us feel loved. God bless you!